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Hard times but hanging in there

I have not had the urge to write in my live journal in several years, but I think it might be a good outlet for me right now. I just learned about the lost of a dear, sweet, friend this evening and it is hitting me hard. Stephanie was one of the teens that I tutored in the CDC class in my high school, when we graduated we stayed friends via Facebook. She had been helping me with one of my silly little facebook games, only a few days before sending me stuff to build this or that and commenting on my photos. I cannot believe she is gone how can someone be here and then not be? I feel so bad because Steph, bless her heart, loved to chat on Facebook and I admit I was not as patient with her as I should have been and it breaks my heart now that she is gone. I had turned off my chat to everyone when I had been in a bad mood and been having a bad time of it. Steph loved to talk to her friends on chat and that is a regret that I will always carry with me now that she is gone so suddenly without a chance to say goodbye. RIP Steph, I am so sorry I didnt chat with you more please forgive me, I am sure you are just as much a bright and sunny angel in heaven as you were on earth. </3

God knew better

I haven't written in my livejournal since 2011, when my ex boyfriend had been so mean and cruel, looking back now I dont even know why I was with him, a girl doesnt need to tip-toe around someone who is supposed to love her, thats no relationship, thats abuse. I am now engaged to a wonderful and loving man. He is a best friend to me as well as a partner. We both enjoy doing the same things and he isnt forceful or pushy towards me. Even our fights are caring. I look back through this and realize all the hope that God gave me and kept me hanging on, God knew that Jason was the one for me. God wanted something better for me than Cody, that man had something wrong with him an anger issue of some kind. Jason has a heart of gold. We will be getting married in the summer most likely at the lake where I would go after Cody hurt me and look out across the water and ask God "Where is my love? Where is my other half?" I have moved out with Jason, and now the tension has eased between my mother and I. Jason said that she didnt realize how much I meant to her until I wasnt around all the time. Now we are much closer and we dont fight, which is hard for me to fathom. I am finally happy and secure in which way my life is gonna go. I'm of course nervous about the future like anyone would be, but I know I am loved and thats all that matters :) Night Ya'll in Tn.

P.S. Obama 4 more years!!!! Yay!

Where do I go from here?

I felt compelled to write tonight. I've been having a strange but hopeful feeling in my heart as of late which is a little unusual. I feel like somethin in me is telling me that there may be something left for me and Cody. I dont kno if thats just wishfull thinking or if its something God put into my heart that could happen. I'm glad for it tho cause it gives me some hope to carry on in these dark days. I dont want anyone else, I've tried to move on but no one has measured up to him, I just dont want anyone else nor could love anyone else. I realize that if things take the road I'm hoping they dont (that we never are together again) that it makes things alot harder for me but its just how I feel. The heart wants what it wants. I dream of him, and it seems so real. I hate waking up and realizing that it was all a dream. He's lucky in that he said before that he doesnt dream much, I dream vividly and they are beautiful when their going on but hurt so much when I wake up. I sleep alot lately, its all I can do to escape so I sleep and dream and dream. Alot of ppl have those reconcilliations that are so wonderful and miraculous. Jenny broke up for months and months and now she and her boyfriend have a baby. I'm sure things like that are possible but are they possible for me? I can only hope which is all I have right now and its a blessing from God. I wish things were like the way I thought when I was young, if you love then thats all there is to it. Love can withstand anything. I'm just holding my breath and wondering right now. I figure that if things go down the other path then somewhere down the line God will send me the one I'm meant for and he'll win my heart again. But for now my heart tells me to wait and be patient with Cody. Try to be a friend to him and see what takes place until I kno which way to go. I love him and I always will, but where does his heart lie?

Where is my other half?

Its been months since I've had the heart to post on here. I just couldnt bring myself to come back remembering the last posts I made were when Cody and I were together and about the last happy day we shared at Roarin River Park. We still email, but hes' so cold and formal. I dont even kno why. I'm having it hard right now, I've been searching for someone new but it seems like there is just no one out there. Everyone is so vile and have bad hearts and minds. They just want to use you for sex, or just want to have a string of women to text and have at their beck and call. I've become so frustrated and I dont see any light at the end of my tunnel. I can't believe that last year this time I was happy. Happiness comes so few times into my life and now its gone again. I only get one year of happiness at a time it seems, the last happy year was 1998 I was a child then. I dont even know why I have to lose everyone I come to love, its like when I get at the finish line something evil and cruel always trips me and I have to watch as my future, my hopes and dreams get lost and burried with the ones of my past. I dont kno what went wrong with Cody, having a fight seems hardly reason to throw away a year of time and love put into a relationship. I dont know where my life is gonna go but it looks bleak. I always give all I have in my relationships then they run away with it and are gone forever, once again I'm left with nothing. I dont deserve this, I've always tried to be good. Where is my other half?

A New Moon Rising

Alright I've had enough. I've been shit on, took for granted, degraded, disrespected and forgotten and its time the world sees a whole new friggen Katie. I've had all I'm gonna take and I'm ready to change. The sweet loving Katie everyone always dumped on is dead, a new Katie is here and she's not taking anything anymore. I feel like cuttin all my hair off and dying it jet black. I'm breaking out the black T-shirts, and my " I dont give a damn " attitude and nobody better mess with me or get in my way. A world of change is coming. So everybody kiss the old one goodbye.

"I really miss your hair in my face, and the way your innocence tastes, I think you should know this you deserve much better than this.... Hinder"

Bored


I'm bored tonight. Nothins happenin on Facebook which is unusual for my bunch so I watched Cujo with daddy. I'd never seen it before, I added my random touch to it by sketching a glistening Christmas Tree during the violent parts lol. I kno I'm weird.  Daddy likes to say "Sc'gonna getche!!" when Cujo jumps thru a winder or somethin and scares ye to death lol. I asked if we could go to Juanitas tomarrow but mother being her charming self of course doesnt want to do anythang I'd like to. Grrr... if something exciting doesnt happen soon I'm gonna have a panic attack!! I kno thats weird but if your bleh for a long while it does happen. Well sister has just commented me on Facebook so I'm gonna go talk to her. Have a great night ya'll Tennesseans

Holdin My Breath

Well I have more hope these days. I prayed to God and he heard and answered my prayers. Cody emailed me Halloween night and wished me a Happy Birthday so at least thats that much. Also Cody's dad has added me on Facebook and his whole family is bein real nice to me. I had a great Halloween. I was at Jennys and we watched Twilight one night, and then New Moon the other and had a big bonfire. (lol yes Manda I'm now a fan) I really liked it, me and Jenny were cryin at the end of New Moon. Well I'm feelin better as of now and I kno that God will direct my paths so I'm not gonna worry over it all no more if I can help it. Night ya'll

A Peaceful Heart

Here I am again tonight. Not done much today, watched a marathon of What Not to Wear and made earings. I felt sorry for one girl on there, she was real natural like me, and she had real long hair the color of mine. She asked them not to cut it all off and color it but they did and she cried. It was pitiful, I would have slapped them lol. Strangely enough I've not been feeling much bad the past two days. Some kind of merciful peace has come over me, I thank God for it cause I'd been suffering. I wonder what that means? This feeling of peace? Yay one of my favortie songs from my childhood came on the radio, X's and O's. Anyway I'm glad my heart is easy, I still have my moments of hurt but nothing too terrible. I feel like I'm waiting for something but I dont kno what, dont kno what my path is but whatever God has planned I'll follow it. Love Always

Katie

Birthday

Well my birthday has come and gone. Cody didnt call, I dont kno what is goin thru his mind but I made his birthday happy for him. I was hoping for a call, a letter, an email something but it wasnt to be I guess. I prayed for God to forgive him cause he knows not what he does. Maybe one day his heart will be touched and turned from stone to gold again. I feel sorry for him. My family and friends had wrote me alot on Facebook, and Manda wrote on Live Journal (even Cody's family who are very nice wrote me birthday wishes) everyone said how much they loved me and that I was sweet. Momma got me a set of acrylic paints and I painted a fall scene. I've also been making earings from a book momma got. I've found a place here on the creek that is very soothing to me, it was hard to get to before, but there is an easier way down I've found and the place heals my soul. Theres a big flat rock that daddy rolled of the bank in the middle of the creek I like to sit there and play with the water. My two kittens always follow me down there and they make me laugh so much. Oliver is the orange one and today he stuck his whole leg in the creek, snatched him a leaf and carried it in his mouth up the bank to play with.  The little grey one, Stoney, curls up with me and purrs softly to me where I sit on the rock. Sometimes my dogs Charlie and Angel come too, Angel did today and she sat on the rock with me awhile. I played with a crawdad, I got me a stick and let it pinch it and as it held on I tried unsuccessfully to pull it out of the water. I was struggling yesterday, but I got a sign from God and I've felt peaceful ever since then. Momma pulled down a box from the closet and a card fell off of it that I got at Muddy Pond years ago. It has my name, its meaning (my name means "Pure") and a Bible verse : "Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 I take it to heart, I'm holding on to those words. Well I'm gonna go now and take a rest I got up early this mornin. I love my family and friends thank you so much I couldnt do without your love. Katie

Writer's Block: Sticks and stones

What is the worst insult you've ever received from someone? Were you able to forgive them?

It was a "You Need Help" from my boyfriend. Why would someone who loves you say such a mean and awful thing? I'm workin on forgivin but I'm not there yet